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"TheRedEye might choose his words a little more carefully as all ages read this forum and he's coming off like a 13 year old who hasn't realized he can get his point across more intelligently without using such ridiculous phrases as 'Ass shit bastard blowjob.'"
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2002/12/31

I'm not letting this goddam year go by without another update. This time it's back to Project: Sachen, which is still alive. And which is still preliminary enough for me to call these "sneak previews." Check out Olympic IQ, by me, and Super Pang, by PopaSmear. And for god's sake, get that out of your mouth.

So is this site slowly dying? No. It's not. I'm still around, and I have no intention of quitting. In fact, I guarantee you 2003 will knock you on your ass. I have a lot of great stuff planned with a lot of great people, none of which I want to reveal yet, so just stay tuned.

2002/10/13

You know, I always thought of that as useless advice...a marketing tool by Nintendo of America. It turns out, though, that Doc was on to something. See, filling out that little redemption card might not be useful during the fight, but it turns out that Doc was giving you sound financial advice for the future. Check this out. The first issue of the Nintendo Fun Club Newsletter just sold for, I shit you not, $1,025.00 on eBay.

So learn from this, my friends. You listen to balding African-American reverends on television when they tell you to do something. Especially if they have that insane, round-eyed look of misguided inspiration that Doc has.

2002/09/02

Wow. Starfox 2. Seriously. Grab it here. I officially retire from finding unreleased prototypes, as nothing is ever going to beat this. The game seems more or less complete, though the emulation issues are much too numerous to even get into. I'd suggest waiting until the game plays properly but, hell, I didn't. And I even beat it, if warping straight to the last level counts.

Alternately, if you want to play an unreleased game that is emulated properly, you can check out today's release, Time Diver: Eon Man! Hooray! HOORAY! This is actually old news, but I thought I'd give it a little coverage.

Incidentally, if any of you ZSNES dudes need a bug tester for Starfox 2, that's basically what I've been doing this entire weekend. Just shoot me an email, I'd be glad to help. 

2002/08/26

Well, Classic Gaming Expo 2002 has come and gone, and I did mange to rock at least part of Las Vegas' face. Don't worry, though, I live here. There will be plenty of time for ass rocking in the future. I'll post some pictures here once Sardius gets off his ass and scans them. Maybe.

Premiering at the show was the Digital Press Collector's Guide, Volume 7, which you should buy because it is, officially, my first published work. Which, when I think about it, is really, really fucking sad. I'm a published author, yes, but my work is limited to writing short, one-to-two sentence descriptions of obscure Nintendo games made cheaply in Taiwan and not recommended for play by anyone, particularly not by me. You can order the book directly from the Digital Press website, digitpress.com, which maybe someday will be a stable website. As of this writing, though, it's down.

Anyway. Remember Bandai's 1989 smash hit, Shooting Range? Remember the disappointment you felt when the ROM dump, retarded from corruption, curled up into a ball and pissed on itself, making gameplay impossible? Of course you do. And you'll be happy to know that just last night the game was finally dumped correctly. And, since I haven't reviewed a Nintendo-approved game on this website since, oh, FOURTEEN MONTHS AGO, I thought I'd write up a little something. Here you go.

2002/07/31

Las Vegas is about to have its ass rocked, because TheRedEye.net will be having its first (and probably last) table at this year's Classic Gaming Expo, Saturday and Sunday, August 10th and 11th. I'll be showing off some unreleased NES games, holding a contest using a real Nintendo World Championships cart, and selling off some of my wares (including some Sachen crap used during my research!).

In other news, Project: Sachen is still alive, despite lackluster response to its debut/sneak preview. I've posted a review of one of the worst video games like, ever, The Little Red Hood. This is a new ROM dump, by the way, form an authentic Sachen cart (mine). The old version came from the Australian HES re-release. I'd say "enjoy," but the word has lost all meaning for me.

2002/05/31

Well, then. Here we are.

First thing's first: I have a sneak preview to show off of my upcoming website, Project: Sachen, which will also count as this month's ROM release. Check out Jovial Race here. As I'm certain you can ascertain, this is going to be a fairly large project, which will no doubt take up most of my time in the upcoming months. So for those intelligent few who recognize the crappiness of Sachen games, I'm sorry. You'll have to suffer for a while.

So what else is new? Well, one of my sister sites, Blackjax's System Failure, is down indefinitely. However, in its place both Japan and The Sardius Experience have made a comeback, releasing tons of new stuff to play. Tons of new stuff that's NOT MADE BY THE LITTLE RED HOOD PEOPLE. So check them out, Japan particularly has some really interesting new stuff from mysterious Asian developer Waixing.

I hate Jovial Race.

2002/04/30

I've taken the liberty of having a talking donkey review today's release, Thunder Warrior. You're welcome.

FYI: he kind of sounds like Eeyore.

2002/03/31

A sad, sad day indeed. March has gone by, and I've got nothin'.

SPECIAL BONUS FEATURE!
"What to Blame"

 --Society!
 --Sachen!
 --Sex!
 --Sachen!
 --Darren Aronofsky!
 --Sachen!

Calm down, now. I really don't want to but...I'll give you something to read. Okay. Remember Trolls in Crazyland? Remember my bullshit story about why it took so long to get that page ready? Well...it was all true. And here is the proof.

Enjoy my slow, torturous descent into insanity, diving deeper into that goddam game than any man should be allowed. Don't blame me for the abundance of design inconsistencies, broken links, and overall absurdity of the whole thing. It wasn't really meant to be seen by human eyes, and it's nowhere near complete.

Next update: a preview of that rectal bleeding thing: PROJECT: SACHEN.

2002/03/30

I'm back, and I have a sexy domain name now! Thanks, as always, to my gracious host orkim.

What's New:

Nothing! Yet.

Well, that's not entirely true. I uploaded something super old to the Reader Mail page that I had forgotten about, and added a few new links over on the left there. Sorry kids, no new porn yet.

2002/03/01

You know, I've never gotten more complaints over something on this website as I have for not updating the Nudie Calendar. I even sent a recovering alcoholic/web cartoonist into a booze-filled evening of sin. I guess I need to work on my priorities...

2002/02/28

The fact that I've done two updates in a row at absolute last minute (three if you consider the fact that there's no way in fuck I'm doing website work on New Year's Eve) says something about me.

I'm American.

Ha! Get it? Funny! POLITICAL! TheRedEye is the ORIGINAL KING OF COMEDY! BOW BEFORE MY HILARIOUS EXPLOITS OF THE HUMAN PSYCHE!

Anyway, yeah. There's some content to discuss here. Remember the classic 16-Bit action game, Boogerman? Yeah, I'll bet you do. Me, I wiped it out of memory. I slowly regained whatever happiness I had before  Boogerman was released, and even convinced myself to leave the house occasionally.

Then some Taiwanese asshole decided that the NES needed an unofficial version of it. Now I run a website about Nintendo games.

I used to go on dates. I used to soak in sunshine and splash my bare feet in duck ponds. I used to laugh and breathe and fuck and make Thai food and LIVE. But Boogerman has, again, left me a crippled shell of a man. I don't know if I can recover a second time.

As you can imagine, I have...issues...with Boogerman. Thankfully, after mm-mm decided to be a dick and send me a ROM file for it, nixon - fresh from putting his website Japan into indefinite (and unexpected) retirement, offered to help out and review the game for me. Thanks, buddy. Check out nixon's maiden voyage into TheRedEye mythos here.

On a serious note, I've gotten some pretty positive replies to the Hero Quest/Free Fall article. Thank you, positive reply people. Everyone, keep up the good work. Find us some damned programmers. Give me more reasons to lose sleep writing progressively worse articles. Prevent me from having a date. Please.

Oh, and for those wondering about my "huge project"...thanks for the support. Go to hell, you pressuring bastards. I'm nowhere near done yet.

2002/01/31

Admit it! You didn't think I'd do anything this month, DID YOU? This update comes to you 10 minutes before the end of January...if you live in the Pacific time zone of the United States.

And if you do, we should like, hang out and stuff!

Anyway, today's article is kind of a big deal, featuring what I believe to be the two biggest NES emulation accomplishments of the past year. Read it here, or you may just hurt my feelings.