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The Definitive Monkey Island Website: CMI Literature
CL 101--Literature of CMI
[Whether EL 201 is offered depends upon class size]
Enroll today and study the following Hot Topics

Pirate Stories--The former adventures of the Barbery Pirates  

Edward "Snugglecakes" van Helgen's story  

Cutthroat Bill's story  

Haggis McMutton's story  


Pirate Literature--Pamphlets from LeChuck to you  


Songs of the Sea--The best of CMI lyrics   

The Pirate Song (A Pirate I was Meant to Be)  

Guybrush's Audition Pieces  


Tales of Tragedy--The sad story of Minerva "Minne" Strone Goodsoup and the Legend of the Flying Welshman 

Edward van Helgen's story  

Helgen: The year was 1675. We were on a course towards the wreck of the Rattling Phlegm. Our days were filled with songs of the voyage, and the untold riches we'd find at our destination. Two months into our journey, we realized that something was horribly wrong.   

Guybrush: Had your ship been placed under some kind of pirate curse?   

Helgen: Not as such, but we were cursed all the same. We were all stricken with a melody..a diabolical song that I shall never forget. La la la la la la la..(sings the Monkey Island theme song)  

Guybrush: Hey, that's kind of catchy!  

Helgen: Aye, all too catchy for a crew of fifty men confined to a ship hundreds of miles from port. No one could think of anything else, and many threw themselves into the sea rather than hear any more of the incessant humming. We returned with but eight of our crew left. The doomed voyage of the Obsessivo-Compulsivo will haunt me forever.  


Cutthroat Bill's story  

Guybrush: Pirate stories. Got any?  

Bill: Okay, here's a story. I started out as a crewman on the Raging Tightwad, sailing out of Puerto Pollo. The captain was a master treasure-hunter, a diviner from some ancient secret society. He had some weird fifth sense when it came to finding objects of value.   

Guybrush: Don't you mean sixth sense?   

Bill: No, by some cruel trick of nature he was born without taste buds. But his other sense took over and gave him an uncanny ability to find treasure. We left port without a map, guided only by the captain's keen senses. We spent the first week going around in circles..until we realized that the crew's gold earrings were throwing the captain off. After we tossed all our jewelry, gold coins, and belt-buckles overboard, we got back on course.   

Guybrush: Did you ever find any treasure?   

Bill: We sailed for two years, and finally started back for Plunder Island. But just as we started to doubt him, he paid off. We found sunken treasure, right off the coast!  

Guybrush: Wait a second..was it an enormous pile of jewelry and gold coins and belt buckles at the bottom of the bay?  

Bill: Exactly! How did you know that?   

Guybrush: Just had a feeling.  


Haggis McMutton's story   

Guybrush: Do you know any rousing pirate stories?   

Haggis: Well, there is the story of the Secret of Bulky Island. We were a crew of two-score men, under the command of Big Jake McJuggernaut, the most powerful captain on the seas. One night in port, Cap'n Jake heard a tale of an enormous treasure buried somewhere on Bulky Island. We set sail and landed within a fortnight, and found the treasure the next morning.   

Guybrush: Bulky Island? Where's that?   

Haggis: Ye won't find it on any map; Cap'n Jake took the location of the treasure to his grave. Oh, it was a beautiful sight. A tremendous chest made of solid gold. Big Jake lept into the hole and wrapped his sinewy arms around the chest. He gathered his resolve, counted to three, filled his lungs, and lifted with all his might. The sound of his back cracking brought a grimace to even the most steel-hearted crewman. By nightfall the lot of us were lying on the beach, writhing in pain.  

Guybrush: Why didn't you lift with your knees?   

Haggis: That would've been the weak man's way out! The pirate Angus McFulcrum had followed us to Bulky Island, wantin' the treasure for himself. The weakling used a lever and took the chest, laughing at us as he carried it to his ship. And my proud Cap'n McJuggernaut died in traction, cursing himself for not being strong enough.  

The oh-so-famous Pirate Song ("A Pirate I Was Meant to Be") 

The trio:  

We're a band of vicious pirates 
A-sailin' out to sea.
When you hear our gentle singing... 
You'll be sure to turn and flee!
Guybrush: Oh, this is just ridiculous.....
Come on, men, we've got to recover that map!
Bill: That pirate will be done for when he falls into our trap!
We're a club of tuneful rovers!
We can sing in every clef! 
We can even hit the high notes! 
It's just too bad we're tone-deaf! 
A pirate I was meant to be!
Trim the sails and roam the sea!
Guybrush: Less singing, more sailing! 
van Helgen: When we defeat our wicked foe, his ship he will be bailing!
If ye try ta fight us.. will get a nasty whackin'. 
If ye disrespect our singin'... 
..we will feed ye to a kraken! 
A pirate I was meant to be! 
Trim the sails and roam the sea!
Guybrush: Let's go defeat that evil pirate! 
van Helgen: We know he's sure to lose, 'cause we know just where to fire at. 
We're thieving balladeers. 
A gang of cutthroat mugs. 
To fight us off, ye won't need guns, 
Just jolly good earplugs! 
A pirate I was meant to be!
Trim the sails and roam the sea!
Guybrush: No time for song, we've got to move! 
Bill:The battle will be long, but our courage we will prove.
We're a pack of scurvy sea-dogs, 
Have we pity? Not a dram. 
We all eat roasted garlic... 
..then sing from the diaphragm! 
A pirate I was meant to be! 
Trim the sails and roam the sea! 
Guybrush: I'm getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming!
Haggis: We're ready to set sail, though the cannons need a priming.
We're troublesome corsairs!
and we've come to steal your treasures!
We would shoot you on the downbeat,
But we've gotta rest five measures!
A pirate I was meant to be!
Trim the sail and roam the sea!
Guybrush: All right, crew, let's get to work!
Haggis: Our vocation is a thing we love, a thing we'd never shirk.
We will fight you in the harbor, 
We'll battle you on land. 
But when you meet singing pirates.. 
..They'll be more than you can stand.
Bill: Oh, that was a good one!
Guybrush: No, it wasn't!
Guybrush: Stop! Stop! Stop!
Bill: The brass is what we'll polish and the deck is what we'll mop.
Guybrush: You say you're nasty pirates..
..scheming, thieving bad bushwhackers?
From what I've seen, I tell you..'re no pirates, you're just slackers!
A pirate I was meant to be! 
Trim the sails and roam the sea!
Guybrush: We'll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an orange.
Door hinge? 
No, no...
Guess the song's over, then. 
Guess so.. 
van Helgen: *sigh* All right..back to work.
Guybrush: Well, gee, I feel a little guilty, now.

Guybrush's audition pieces   

He can sing, too...just not very well.  


"There's a Monkey in my Pocket"
Oh, there's a monkey in my pocket,
and he's stealing all my change
His stare is blank and glassy..
I suspect that he's deranged.
"I've Got a Friend in the Ocean"
Once my old man spoke to Good King Triton
and asked, 'Why all this senseless fightin'?
Why can't we men express emotion?'
Now I've got a friend in the--
"Plunder on my Mind"
Plunder, Plunder, how I wonder,
How'd you get so doggone pretty?
Home to sailors, barbers, tailors,
and Puerto Pollo, your capital city.
"Wooden Leg, Restless Heart"
I'm hooked on you bay-bee, 
but the seas keep us apaaaarrrt.
And there ain't no eyepatch big enough
To cover up my broken heaarrrrt.
"Silver's Long Johns"
For those long dark shipboard nights,
We've got boxers, briefs and tights.
Made from cotton, silk, or satin,
In styles Anglo, Dutch, and Latin.
When you sail, don't take a chance
Wearing nothing 'neath your pants.
Trust...Silver's Long Johns... They breathe!

Piracy--the LeChuck Way  

Chapter 1: How to get more than fifteen men on a dead man's chest  

Chapter 2: Leg irons or flogging; the age-old question.  

Chapter 3: Mermaids or manatees--does it really matter?  


Big Whoop Brochure--"The Place for Pirates and Pirates-at-Heart"  

Guybrush: (reading the brochure) "Visit Big Whoop for an eternity of pain and torment, I mean, fun and laughter. If you're a pirate with a sturdy skeletal structure and a high threshold for pain craving for adventure, then Big Whoop is the place for you! Visit Big Whoop! Do it right now!" There's no pictures or maps or anything. It just says that it's a lot of fun, honest.  


The Sad Story of Minnie Strone and her Fiance 

Guybrush: What do you know about the lost ring of Blood Island?  

Griswold: Ah, that's a very sad chapter in my family's history. My great aunt Minne "Strone" Goodsoup was a well-to-do member of Blood Island society. Her one weakness was her romantic nature. She had a thing for pirates, one in particular. He came into port, she fell instantly in love, and they were engaged within the week. Then, on the eve of their wedding, he stole the fantastic Goodsoup diamond from her ring and sold it to smugglers on Skull Island. She wore the empty engagement band on her finger until the day she died, which was not long after. Some say she still haunts the Goodsoup family tomb.  

Guybrush: Hypothetically, how would one get into your aunt's tomb?  

Griswold: Well, I suppose you would have to die.  

Guybrush: Oh, crud.  


The Tale of the Lost Welshman  

Griswold: There used to be a regular ferry out to Skull Island...  

Guybrush: Used to?  

Griswold: Ah, one cold night, so the tale goes, the Welshman set out in his dinghy. The deep fog around the Skull Isle obscured even the moon, but the Welshman could still see the distant light of the Blood Island lighthouse. When he had rowed half the distance, the light in the lighthouse was mysteriously smashed..and the poor Welshman was lost, almost never to been seen again.  

Guybrush: Almost?  

Griswold: Well, there are those who say that, late at night, if you stare into the fog long enough, you may see the Flying Welshman, rowing in his ghostly dinghy, lost for all eternity.  

Guybrush: Creepy.  


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